During the early days of the pandemic, like so many of us, I found myself binge-watching shows to pass the time. One that stuck with me was American Horror Story: Freak Show. Mat Fraser, an actor with phocomelia, played a character whose arms looked strikingly similar to mine. I remember feeling this mix of recognition and unease; here was someone who shared a physical trait with me, yet the whole context of the character felt foreign. It brought up feelings I hadn’t expected, about how we see ourselves and how others see us.
There are moments, even now, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or in a photo, and I feel an instant shock. The image doesn’t quite match the version of myself I hold in my mind. Sometimes I barely recognize the body looking back at me. I know I’m not alone in this experience, though—whether we have visible differences or not, many of us grapple with the dissonance between how we think we look and how we actually see ourselves.
When the Mirror Lies
The sensation of seeing yourself and not quite recognizing the reflection is often associated with body dysmorphia. But you don’t need a diagnosis to feel disconnected from your own body. So many of us have moments where our reflection feels foreign, whether due to aging, weight changes, or just the way society teaches us to scrutinize every detail of our appearance.
I wish I could say I’ve fully learned how to be at peace with how I look, but the truth is, I haven’t. It’s an ongoing journey, and there are plenty of days when I’m caught off guard by my own reflection, left wondering why it feels so unsettling.
This is a struggle I believe many people share. We’ve all seen versions of ourselves we didn’t quite recognize, especially in a world that constantly pushes us to fit into unrealistic molds of perfection. It’s not just people with disabilities or visible differences who feel this disconnect. We’re all vulnerable to the pressure of looking a certain way, and it messes with our sense of self.
The Disconnect Between Expectation and Reality
What makes this disconnect so hard to deal with is that it’s not just about appearance—it’s about identity. When the reflection in the mirror doesn’t align with how we think we should look, it shakes something deeper in us. It can trigger self-doubt, frustration, or even shame.
For me, it’s not always just my arms that surprise me. It can be my whole body, my posture, or even the way I hold space in a room. There’s this almost immediate tendency to compare to some idealized version of myself or to others who seem to “fit” better into the society’s standards. I think that’s where a lot of the struggle comes from—this constant comparison, whether we’re aware of it or not.
But here’s the thing: I know rationally that these standards are impossible. I can tell myself that bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and forms, and that my body is just as valid as anyone else’s. Yet knowing that doesn’t always stop the negative thoughts. The mirror can feel like a critic some days, no matter how much self-awareness I’ve developed. And that’s the reality of it; this isn’t something you just “get over.” It’s a process, and it’s ongoing.
Struggling with the Stranger in the Mirror
Some days, I can look at myself and feel acceptance, even pride. Other days, I find myself staring at my reflection, unable to shake the feeling that something is off. There’s no magic solution, no quick fix to this struggle.
I think that’s an important thing to acknowledge. So often, we hear stories of people who have “overcome” their body issues, as if there’s a neat ending to the struggle. But for many, it’s not that simple. And that’s okay. What matters is that we keep moving forward, even when it feels hard. We show up for ourselves, even on the days when our reflection feels like a stranger.
Compassion Over Criticism
If any of this resonates with you—if you’ve ever looked in the mirror and felt that jolt of unfamiliarity—I encourage you to start by extending yourself a little compassion. We live in a world that is constantly feeding us unrealistic images of what we’re supposed to look like, and it’s hard not to internalize that. But we can challenge it. We can remind ourselves that our worth is not tied to how closely we match an ideal.
Take a moment the next time you feel that disconnect between how you think you look and what you see in the mirror. Instead of criticizing, try to sit with the discomfort. Let yourself feel it without judgment. And then, slowly, try to soften that inner voice that tells you you’re not enough. It won’t change overnight. It may not change quickly at all. But with time and practice, we can learn to be kinder to ourselves.
We all have bodies that carry us through life’s challenges, triumphs, and everything in between. And whether or not we feel like we fit into society’s expectations, our bodies are part of our stories. They deserve respect and care, even on the days when they feel unfamiliar.
A Journey, Not a Destination
I’m still learning to recognize and embrace the person in the mirror. I don’t have it all figured out, and I suspect I never will. But I’ve come to realize that maybe the goal isn’t to reach some perfect state of self-acceptance. Maybe the real work is in continuing to show up for ourselves, even when it’s hard. It’s in learning to live with the discomfort, in making peace with the fact that self-perception will always be a bit complicated.
If you’ve ever felt this way, know that you’re not alone. And together, maybe we can take small steps toward treating ourselves with a little more kindness, even when our reflection feels like a stranger.
My Second Act 